Chantelle Houghton was ''scared'' by Alex Reid's erratic behaviour.
The reality TV star discovered a worrying scrapbook her ex-fiance had compiled about her before they decided to separate in September, just a few days after the cage fighter was arrested for allegedly trying to force entry into their Essex home in South East England.
In an interview with Britain's OK! magazine, Chantelle said: ''I don't know what the truth is anymore. I even found a book in my bedroom in which Alex had written things down about me. It was points, things that had happened, things I'd said, a compilation of things I'd done.
''It's difficult to find that and not wonder about it. The book scared me. My heart raced really fast. I didn't understand it. There were questions he'd written down in it asking, what is a man?''
Chantelle admitted she was ''in denial'' about Alex's behaviour - which included him often cross-dressing as his female alter-ego Roxanne - in the weeks that followed the birth of their daughter Dolly, who is now four months old, and she now believes that he never really loved her and was just taking advantage of her fame.
The bubbly blonde said: ''I sometimes feel like he never even liked me, let alone love me, and was with me for all the wrong reasons.
''I wanted Dolly to have her mum and dad at home. I asked Alex to be a better person, I wanted him to get help. I begged him and he said he would.
''I was in denial. I was for a long time ... I had literally just given birth, I was still bleeding from it, I was in a delicate state.''